What Can You Say About a Fourty-Six-Year-Old Who Died?
There were two signature lines in the 1970 movie Love Story.
“What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died?”, and,
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Love Story’s signature song, “Where Do I Begin?”
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That’s what I’m thinking right now. A friend died yesterday. What can I say about a friend that committed suicide? Where do I begin to come to grips with it? Trey Pennington died by his own hand, in a church parking lot he was asked not to be in, with police officers that had been called there telling him to please put down the gun.
The sad details of the event seem only to further confirm my denial of their possibility. There is no way that Trey would do that. I knew Trey as a proud dad of 6, and a super-proud grandad.
The events also confirm that I need to re-think my thoughts about suicide.
Thoughts that suicide is an act of selfishness. During the day and into the night, other friends have shared their stories of suicide and depression. Stories of the physical pain associated with depression and the intense desire to stop that pain that crowds out thoughts of others. A family member once attempted suicide with my own children in the car. The treating psychologist apparently thought she was offering comfort to me by saying it was not my fault, by confirming the accountability of the one making the suicide attempt. The concept of that kind of accountability now seems utterly impossible with the Trey I knew.
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Trey and Jay Handler doing “Open for Biz Radio”
PHOTO CREDIT: Jeanette Stratton for Michelin on Main
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Trey and I had talked several times about his challenges in his personal life. Recently, we met and things seemed to be looking up- appearances booked for the rest of the year, and he was so proud of his weight loss. He had 5,000 Facebook friends and more than 100,000 followers on Twitter. He was known worldwide. I feel guilty that I didn’t see through those big numbers and instead see the signs that in hindsight now look like billboards of insurmountable trouble.
He loved being the “Mayor” of our flagship store, Michelin on Main, and loved even more that I wasn’t. We laughed about it as we loaded him up with gifts from Greenville to take to Europe next week. A trip he’ll never make. How could I not have seen?
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I met Trey on-line long before In Real Life. He was the first to tell me that was the real “magic” of social media- turning digital connections into the old-fashioned kind. He was a little analog that way, and that was a good thing. He invited me to the Social Media Club for the first time, and before I knew it, I was put to work. “Just check them in and have them fill out a name tag”. With that drawl, what else was I going to do?
With the outpouring of messages on the interwebs, this tragedy has already begun to turn around into a Love Story of sorts. Far too many to link to, but I would point out a couple of posts.
Fellow Greenvillian Olivier Blanchard penned “Heartbroken”: http://thebrandbuilder.wordpress.com/
Scott Gould, his friend from Like Minds, talks about the loss of part of their “heart”: http://wearelikeminds.com/trey-pennington-like-minds-looses-a-piece-of-its-heart
And, while Bridget Pilloud nearly scared me off with the title, “The Difference Between Trey Pennington and Me”, an insightful look at suicide worth the read: http://www.intuitivebridge.com/blog/2011/09/the-difference-between-me-and-trey-pennington/
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There’s a candlelight vigil in Greenville, SC Wednesday night at the Liberty Bridge that was his favorite spot in downtown. https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=120160121418569
But, after that, we all need to start to make something positive out of all this. Many have said Trey changed their lives. Perhaps he still can. If you are contemplating suicide, talk to someone, now.
If you have the chance to talk to someone who you even THINK has depression, do it NOW. Hug them, and hug them TIGHT. Throw in an extra one for good measure. They may be in so deep they THINK they don’t want it. But you might slip through that crack and save a life. If you love them, then you don’t want to have to say you’re sorry.
Please keep the kids, grandkids and all of Trey’s family in your thoughts. They have a difficult legacy to deal with, and for a very long time.
A final thought about the church family at Second Presbyterian in Greenville. Much has already been said about what they may have, may not have, or should have, done in the time leading up to yesterday’s events in their parking lot. Living in the buckle of the Bible Belt, judgement seems to be just a part of the life.
I’d prefer that Karma take care of those that rush to judge, just as it will for those who rush to gain advantage of the situation in the business world.
Trey- wish I could react to the very last thing you posted. I hope you have found peace, my friend.
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